Empty Nesting: The September Silence Nobody Warns You About

I’ll admit something. Years ago, after I’d got the job, got the flat, got the whole grown-up life sorted, I moved back in with my parents for a year.

Worst mistake I ever made. As far as they were concerned I was still doing my A-levels. Same rules, same raised eyebrow if I came in late, same everything.

So when Annette Williams, our resident hypnotherapist on Phil In The Morning, said she wanted to talk about empty nesting this week, I thought I knew the subject. Turns out I only knew one end of it.

It’s a transition for everyone, not just the parents

Annette made the point straight away that this lands on the whole household. The student heading off has their world cracking wide open — new city, new people, nobody who knows them.

But there’s an impact on everyone left behind too. Not just mum and dad, who’ve been responsible for this person for eighteen years, but younger brothers and sisters who’ve suddenly lost the big one in the house.

It’s a moment of transition and transformation for the lot of you, and it arrives whether you’ve prepared for it or not.

First things first — take the credit

This was Annette’s opening piece of advice and I loved it. Take a pat on the back.

You got your child through the stresses of A-levels. You got them to a point where going to university was even on the table. You raised somebody who looks at the world and sees opportunities in it.

That’s no mean feat, and most parents skip straight past it to the worrying.

Agree the ground rules before they go

Here’s the practical bit. Sort out the contact arrangements up front, before the car’s loaded.
As Annette put it, they’re not going to prison — there’s no one call a fortnight, one visit a month rule.

But having an agreement means nobody’s guessing. They know you’re there. You know when you’ll hear from them. And crucially, they know the door’s open.

That last one does more work than you’d think. Annette’s line was that knowing they can come home means they don’t need to test it.

The void is real — don’t wish it away

Annette speaks from experience here. She’s a single mum, and when her daughter Chelsea went off to university, she didn’t even have Muffin the dog at the time. Just her, in the house.

She was careful with her words: grief is too strong for this, because it isn’t permanent.

But it is a genuine change, and there’s a real void left behind. Her advice was not to talk yourself out of it. That ache exists because there was love and affection there. Let yourself notice it.

And then, gently, find something that gives you some joy.

You were somebody before you were a parent

This is the bit I think a lot of people need to hear. We are not defined by our role as mother or father. There were things you were interested in before the children arrived, and things you’ve had to shelve since because you were stretched too thin.

You’ve got a bit more room now. Use it.

The cotton wool problem

We have a lot of headteachers on this show, and the thing that worries them most about young people right now is resilience. So I asked Annette whether letting go is part of building it.

Her answer: yes, and children wrapped in cotton wool — never allowed to fail, never allowed to be disappointed — aren’t being done any favours, however good the intentions.

We learn through experience, good and bad. That’s how anyone builds trust in their own ability to cope. And that child is going to keep walking into new environments for the rest of their life.

What actually happens if you ask for help

Hypnotherapy still has a bit of mystery about it, so I asked Annette what she’d actually do if someone came to her in a state about this.

She starts by giving them a safe space to say it out loud — because half the problem is guilt about feeling it at all, and not wanting to burden anyone.

She doesn’t dismiss the fear or tell them it’ll be fine. She holds up a mirror, bounces it back, and lets them hear it from the outside. Then she looks for what’s underneath it. Is this about the child, or is it touching an older sense of abandonment?

Hypnosis comes in after that, to settle the fight-or-flight response and make room for more helpful beliefs. Her description was the clearest I’ve heard: you’re not asleep, you’re not unconscious, you’re not out of control. You’re simply more receptive.

Where to find Annette

Annette runs Silverbrook Hypnotherapy in Lymm, seeing clients in person at the Cheshire Wellness Centre and online. Before all this she spent nearly four decades at the BBC in children’s television, which is why she name-drops so shamelessly on air. She insists she only does it when I ask. She’s not wrong.

Her book, Step Into Your Spotlight, is genuinely a decent thing to slip into a university suitcase — it’s about meeting new people, finding your feet in a new group and speaking up when you’d rather not.

Oh, and we finished the interview discovering we’re both booked for speed awareness courses this week. Hers on the approach to Chester, mine in Padgate. As Annette said: we’re human.

Annette Williams joins Phil In The Morning regularly on MIX56. Catch the show weekdays from 10am, or search “Annette” at mix56.co.uk.